I don’t really understand the appeal of food shows in general. I’ll watch Top Chef for the competition aspect, yeah, but the shows that just demonstrate how to make stuff? With all apologies to Julia Child, I don’t get it. However, please enjoy the following hilarious spoof of such shows. (With the jump cut editing, it’s like the Food Network meets 1960s Godard! Sort of? Eh?)

2 things:

1. I want both of those dresses.

2. I already have that exact blender!

You all know of my love for scary movies. But: a confession. I’m feeling more sympathy these days for people who can’t deal with the scary. And that’s because I seriously had a nightmare the day after seeing Paranormal Activity. This is not a usual symptom for me, but this was an all-out, had to get up and turn on the lights kind of nightmare. So, a list for all you wimps out there, myself apparently sometimes included.

1. Trick ‘r Treat

This poor movie was hyped up like crazy and then lost in a bizarre Warner Bros. release date shift. It’s been unceremoniously released straight-to-DVD this month, two years after it was supposed to go to theaters. I’m happy to report that it is very much worth a rental. Four urban-legendy-type stories intertwine at a town’s Halloween celebration, with alternately creepy and funny results. Not really scary, but perfectly captures the mood of the holiday.

2. Re-Animator

Sure, there’s a disturbing element at work in the mission of Dr. Herbert West. But this is brilliant camp all the way. When he re-animates a certain smashed house pet….you may shriek at first, but mostly you’ll just laugh more than you might be proud of.

3. Supernatural, season four, episode five, “Monster Movie”

The spectacular Supernatural was deep into some crazy ongoing storylines by this point in season four, but the series has always been good at taking a break now and then for a fun one-off episode. You need about as much backstory for this one as for a typical Scooby-Doo adventure. Yet, it’s one of my favorites. Just two hot brothers, facing off against a shape-shifter with a thing for classic movie monsters. Extremely appropriate for the season.

4. The Addams Family

Because it’s been too long since you’ve seen this hugely entertaining movie. Admit it. You love this movie. Yes. You can quote it right now. And it ends with Halloween. So it’s perfect all around. Watch, then dance the Mamushka. You know you want to.

5. Gremlins 2: The New Batch

Because you have to watch the first one at Christmas, not Halloween! But the sequel is a great little monster movie by its own merits.

Enjoy the holiday, everyone!

Know what today is? Today is FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS day. My lucky, lucky DirecTV-having self will be nowhere but right in front of my television at 6 PM tonight (Eastern time yesssssss) to transport to marvelous Dillon, TX once again. Oh God in heaven, how I love this show. And I never get tired of re-visiting where it all began, with one of the best pilot episodes I’ve ever had the privilege to watch:

This is what television is for.

We’ve had a particularly nice beginning-of-fall here in Seattle, so even though there’s been chatter about Halloween, I haven’t really felt its approach. But the days are getting shorter, the weather has taken a turn for the dreary, and the cold, dark evenings cause me to cozy up to the Internet more and more. The result of this confluence: I’ve finally remembered that it’s the time of year to talk about horror movies here at the ol’ blog.

Technically I could say I started yesterday with my rave of Paranormal Activity. If you’ll indulge an odd segue, when I was writing that round-up of recent films, I noticed that while I sometimes give TV shows a specific grade at the end of a review, I never do for movies. Perhaps it’s because I so adore Roger Ebert, who dislikes such grades (but does provide them—with some grousing—as a major film reviewer must). Yet, I’m obsessive about rating films on Netflix. I’ve tried to rate every movie I’ve ever seen (except those with no listing in Netflix—a surprisingly high number. Thank you, Mac film classes and SIFF cinema). The great thing about Netflix ratings, though, is that they stand for how much you personally love or hate the movie, rather than asking for an accurate reflection of a film’s significance. Thus, I can justify giving 5 stars to my beloved Home Alone (“Loved It”, in Netflix translation) and only 3 (“Liked It”) to Woody Allen’s seminal Manhattan.

So, what does this have to do with anything, you’re asking? Here’s my idea for kicking off a series of horror-themed posts: sharing the five horror films I’ve given 5 stars to on Netflix. If this seems a rather exclusive club, it’s not, really. Anything that falls under “Classic” or “Thrillers” or “Sci Fi & Fantasy” in Netflix’s categorization system wouldn’t have popped up in my search. So, The Birds, The Exorcist, Psycho, Alien, The Thing? All eliminated.

For extra fun: I bet if you read this blog regularly, you can guess at least a few of the five. So, I’m listing them after the jump. I’ve never used the jump before! It sort of annoys me. But I’ll do it anyway, just this once.

1. Suspiria

My entrance into the mad, mad world of Dario Argento. Shivers.

2. Halloween

The original John Carpenter version, of course. Michael Meyers is still the best boogeyman ever.

3. 28 Days Later

Frightening on every possible level.

4. Shaun of the Dead

Yep, Netflix puts it as horror! Even with all that comedy, I probably put it there too. Many very effective scary scenes in there.

5. The Descent

Just a perfect horror movie. Been planning to watch this again for too long. It will happen this month. Oh yes, it will.

Watch any of these, any time. My prescription for a proper October. Yay, Halloween!

Many gems out there right now.

1. Paranormal Activity

I really, really hate that title. And I really, really liked this movie. You know the film was worth your money when afterward you spend as much time as the length of it discussing it with your friends. Not only did the movie provide genuine scares, it laughed in the face of horror clichés while doing it. (The thing-appears-in-mirror’s-reflection and the why-doesn’t-anyone-believe-us are particularly well-not-served.) I’ve read a few reviews of people who didn’t like the film, complaining about the shaky cam, small cast, confined set, etc. I’m not sure what extravagance they’re expecting from an $11,000 movie, and the confined set is half the point, buuuuuuut….whatever. The one criticism I truly throw my hands up to is that not enough happens in the film. To people who think this I say: if you don’t like movies where the anticipation is a crucial part of the enjoyment, then I and Dr. Frank-N-Furter would like to tell you to please stop trying to be a horror fan and just go watch the WWE or something.

2. Whip It

What a shame that this movie tanked at the box office! Ellen Page, Alia Shawkat, Juliette Lewis, Marcia Gay Harden, Drew Barrymore, Kristen Wiig: I would have been joyful to see this cast just having fun in a bad movie. But this is not at all a bad movie. It’s full of small moments that are both offbeat and genuine, it tells a satisfying sports story in a fresh arena, it tells a satisfying coming-of-age story while remembering that the most important thing about coming of age is not necessarily getting yourself a boyfriend, as so many teen movies would have you think. Even the standard movie tropes such as the overbearing mom and the secret-football-watching dad feel dusted off and spruced up. It’s cute and fun! And those are good things.

3. Bright Star

Lovely. Lovely. Lovely. I mean, it’s Jane Campion, so you knew it would be visually lovely. But that word sticks in my head to describe everything else as well: the dialogue, the performances, the quick little cuts, the faces. The unanimous opinion of those I saw it with: this is a movie to buy and watch again and again. The best romance I have seen in ages, and so much more than a romance. A portrait of two pure people, and hopefully the springboard for even greater things for Abbie Cornish and Ben Whishaw.

4. Where the Wild Things Are

Yep, I saw it! Wham! Preview fundraiser! Cinerama! Max Records and Dave Eggers were there! It was good! And that’s all I’ll say about it for now, since I’m not sure if I’m “allowed” to blog pre-release.

And even having seen one movie that isn’t even out yet, I’m so far behind…A Serious Man? Zombieland? The Informant? I need more time!

Over the past month, I’ve spent a fair amount of time sampling the new fall offerings. Usually this is a busy but giddy time. This year….I dunno. I feel like I’ve reached the point where sampling new series is like work, rather than fun (yet I’m nowhere near getting paid for this stuff). Still, here come my opinions. We’ll start with the most promising and continue from there, ok?

Glee
opinion based on episodes 1-6

I’m sure you’ve heard by now what an offbeat, entertaining show this is. It’s by far the highlight of my new season, the one new show I’d be truly sad to miss. There’s so much to explore: the depths of lovely offbeat main characters like Rachel and Kurt, further focus on those like Tina-the-punk-Asian, who are waiting in the wings for their day (sooner rather than later would be good). Yes, there are a few weak points, such as the too-over-the-top fake pregnancy storyline…but since this is the baby of Ryan “creator of Nip/Tuck” Murphy we’re discussing, it’s actually a model of restraint so far.

8/10

Modern Family
based on eps 1 and 3

Woohoo! It’s funny! The premiere started slow, but built to a climax that almost had me at the coveted crying-because-I-couldn’t-stop-laughing point. The DVR box ate episode two (sort of…the picture was there but the dialogue track was gone. Very odd). Missing that one, I still giggled my way through episode three. Promising cast, promising writing.

7/10

Community
based on eps 1-3

While I’ve been entertained by the first few episodes, I’m wondering how long the show can keep our cast of characters, who all share a “Spanish study group” (in which they never study), sufficiently involved with one another. I was also overly bothered by the fact that they were all still adding and dropping classes in episode three…oh well. I heart Joel McHale, I support Chevy Chase’s comeback, and I love that one chick who also plays Trudy Campbell on Mad Men.

7/10

Flash Forward
based on eps 1 and 2

Ok, I’m fairly intrigued by the premise. I love watching John Cho, Penny from Lost, and the hot guy who used to be Jett Jackson do their thing. But despite the intriguing premise, the tone of this show bothers me…it’s overly intense at some points, followed by odd comic relief at others (such as when the boss describes being in the john during the blackout…TMI). Everything’s still a little frenetic for me, but I do want to know why the kid freaks out so much at the end of ep 2. So, I’m in it for a few more hours at least, I think.

6/10

Cougar Town
based on eps 1-3

I didn’t have huge expectations for this show, but I gave it a chance based on Courteney Cox, the great supporting cast, and awesome creator Bill Lawrence. (Ask me to defend the show’s premise, if you dare…I noticed how none of the pieces criticizing it early on seemed to reserve any judgment based on the pedigree of those involved. Shame, shame.) The pilot was funnier than I’d hoped for, episode two was solid, episode three was lame. I’m hoping it will bounce back…I love the supporting actresses (Busy Phillips!) and the actor who plays the son (RIP Aliens in America), but the young-boyfriend character is painfully underdeveloped. It’s a glaring problem I hope they’ll fix soon.

6/10

The Good Wife
based on eps 1-3

So, I like Juliana Margulies. But I loooove Christine Baranski. I aspire to be Christine Baranski someday. And I’m not seeing enough of Christine Baranski, so then I forget how much I like Juliana Margulies. This show needs more Baranski! That said, while it’s not the most exciting show ever, it’s well-acted, with a timely premise, decent cases, and a nice cast. Very solid for a Tuesday, which is by far the slowest day of this season.

6/10

Bored to Death
based on eps 1 and 2

While this show has an enjoyable cast, and I wouldn’t automatically turn away from it should I stumble across it, it’s been demoted from my DVR. I wanted to like it more, I really did. Jason Schwartzman is a lovely person, but the character he plays here is exasperating well beyond whatever likeable traits he demonstrates. The show is not awful, but not good enough to commit. Watching it I feel a bit like the main characters’ ex-girlfriend is meant to….sad that she cannot say she likes the situation more.

4/10

Anyone seen any great new shows I haven’t sampled?

Please add this to the list of things you never knew you wanted to see: a close-up of William Shatner with gaping black holes in his eye sockets. Seriously. It’s like seeing an actual Michael Meyers mask come to life! And it’s my favorite moment in The Devil’s Rain, this month’s Final Girl film of the month pick.

This is one of those great, bad 70s horror movies with a cast full of gems. It’s Shatner, Tom Skerritt, and Ida Lupino vs. Ernest Borgnine and some devil worshipers. And Eddie Albert is there too! For reasons I was never quite clear on! Yes, he’s the obligatory ESP expert which one must have to do a top-tier bad 70s horror movie, but…let’s just say the threads of the plot don’t really come together there.

Okay, let’s begin at the beginning. Which is practically an in medias res beginning (that means everythin’ done started without us!), which is actually sort of cool for this type of film. Ida’s fretting, and a storm’s a-brewin’. In comes her son, Mark Preston (that’s Shatner). Seems Dad’s missing and somebody named Corbis took him. Then dad shows up and everything’s okay, but then his face totally melts!!!! You’ll be impressed by the decent melty effects, but don’t be too happy about that: by the end of the movie you’ll never want to see another face melt again, and that will be a sad feeling indeed.

See, the Preston family and this Jonathan Corbis have been at odds for about 300 years over this book. It’s an evil book, filled with evil bloody signatures of sold souls. Corbis can’t deliver these souls to the devil (or whatever) until he has the book. Naturally, the Prestons have hidden this in a place no one could ever get to: under a floorboard in their living room. Clever bastards!

Somehow, Corbis kidnaps mom in about two seconds while Mark’s out at the car. Naturally he goes to track her down, and ends up in a spaghetti western for a quick genre mash-up when he confronts Corbis in a ghost town. It’s all pretty neat at this point, actually. I was digging the horror/western thing. But never fear, we’ll soon devolve into nonsense and all will be right with the world again.

I’ll skip some of the confrontations and ceremonies that go on and just tell you that, after some pomp and circumstance, all the Prestons end up with no eyeballs, and their souls caught up in this orb called The Devil’s Rain. EXCEPT: other brother Tom Skerritt, who apparently has been kept in the dark about this Corbis business! Until he gets a telegram about it at just about the same time his vaguely psychic wife has some visions about the same thing. Naturally. They go sticking their noses in the devil worshipers’ business and eventually end up saving the day….or do they?! You won’t care because you’ll still be reveling in the awesomeness of seeing Ernest Borgnine in his goat make-up.

This is not the best bad horror movie ever (ahem, Scarecrows), but it’s worth it for the Shatnery goodness and all the rest. Some good trivia going on with this one too: John Travolta pops up for a minute (I read conflicting reports about whether this was his first or second film role); and the real High Priest of the Church of Satan was a technical adviser. The real guy! Lending credibility to the whole thing, just like devil worshipers always do. This guy clearly saw many a face melt in his time, cuz I tell you, the meltiness seems accurate.

Shatner!

Ok, just had to get that out of my system with the title. And there is at least one female comedian and one minority comedian in Funny People. They each have like two scenes, it’s amazing. Okay, I’m done. Okay, probably not.

Funny People, like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up before it, asks a serious question in the way that many comedies do not. We see now the pattern of Judd Apatow’s films, and no it’s not just “chick flicks for stoner dudes.” His films all center around a main character who has been, if not content with, at least accepting of, the stagnant path of their life. Then something happens to push them off that path. Friends figure out you’re a virgin and decide to help you grow up; you get a girl pregnant; you find out that you’re sick and probably dying. We’re moving on to bigger and bigger problems, and I like that. We can always use more comedies that are real movies, that are about something.

I love it when watching Adam Sandler is enjoyable. It’s very enjoyable here. As George Simmons, the comedian and movie star who has an 8% chance of beating a rare blood disorder, Sandler constantly works on two levels. Inner George and Outer George, for lack of more eloquent terms. We can see the persona he puts forth, a lot of which is real, honest to god misanthropy, just masked as the curmudgeonly sarcasm of a certain type of comic. We can also see the regret underneath all that.

It takes a little longer for Ira Wright (Seth Rogen), George’s new assistant, to catch up with the audience about how much pain George is going through. Even then, Ira doesn’t really want to put up with George’s shit, and we can’t really blame him. As an aspiring comedian, Ira idolizes George and wants to be like him. He’s also perplexed by him, and unable to modify his own behavior to what George claims to need. This is a complex relationship, one I was genuinely interested in, and I was genuinely not sure how it would turn out. It’s just good writing, and acting.

We’re also treated to a whole lot of those trademark uproarious one-liners. It adds a new level to that Apatow-Gang humor to have the characters themselves be in a position to talk about whether or not what they just said was funny. Maybe there are a diproportionate number of films made in Hollywood that have to do with Hollywood things, but I won’t complain as long as they use that conceit to be this clever. It should also come as no surprise that the supporting cast is a joy: Leslie Mann, Jason Schwartzman, and Aubrey Plaza in particular for me. We should also watch out for Maude Apatow: she’s got the family talent.

The movie is too long. That is my main complaint. 140 minutes is too long for a comedy, even one like this that is almost a drama. But, it must be hard to cut scenes from your own movie when everyone in it is your friend or relation. In particular the “domestic” sequence at the end of the film, with Leslie Mann as the showcase, drags noticeably. But what’s a guy to do, cut all his wife’s scenes? I have a solution, Judd: write a movie where she gets to be the star. Ah, there I go again.

See Funny People, laugh and think.

Watching the unaired 13th Dollhouse episode on the just-released DVD cemented my anticipation for season two.

(For those who haven’t seen it, I’ll let you know when the spoilers begin.)

It seems to be pretty much the consensus that the second half of Dollhouse’s first season was more “Joss-y” than the first half, possibly/probably because FOX took a step back. It hit its groove, started asking bigger questions, making bigger revelations, and still delivered its best stand-alone episode all season (“Haunted”, when the woman had prepared to be an imprint so she could solve her own murder…all kinds of awesome; I watched it twice). But still missing was the sort of overall theme or mission statement of the show. As viewers we’d heard many characters raise questions about the purpose and/or morality of the Dollhouse, but these eloquent speeches hadn’t resulted in much more than indignation or defensiveness. The ideas weren’t advancing the plot.

Now, maybe, we’re getting somewhere. Watching ep 13 is odd, though, like watching Dollhouse filtered through the mind of the creators of Lost. We’re in the future, then the not-future, then between the future and the not-future….oy.

SPOILERS BEGIN HERE.

In 2019, LA is ravaged. Gradually we come to understand that a technological mistake or revolt is the cause. Felicia Day (woo!) and a band of other refugee-types search for a safe place to stay. They’ve got a pre-adolescent girl in tow. Her father is behaving like an imprint-less doll. I’m not alone in asking that universal sci-fi fan question: what the frak is going on?

Imprints have gone rogue, and wireless. Bodies can apparently be taken over without warning. “Actuals” (those who are in their original bodies with original personality) tattoo themselves to prove a point, run away from “Butchers” who seem awful like the Earth-version of Joss’s Reavers. It’s scary. And it’s all the Dollhouse’s fault.

Somewhere in that mid-time-space, we see our cast of favorite Dollhouse employees. Dr. Saunders/Whiskey has finally agreed to have her facial scars fixed, which might have something to do with the fact that she seems to have fallen in love with Boyd. He’s setting forth to run away somewhere, away from the danger, promising he’ll send for her. Sometime previous, a rich man lets Adelle know his intention to keep downloading his personality into new bodies, willing or not, to achieve immortality. Her objections seem desperate. Sometime after that, Topher is, quite simply, a mess. Adelle acts a mother towards him as he spews forth a jumble of nonsense and deep philosophical questions, forgetting and then concluding again that he was the one who came up with whatever idea it was that set forth all this chaos in the first place. Sierra and Victor know who they really are. She wants to love him like they did before, but that is over. He demonstrates how he cares for her still by showing where he stashed copies of the original hard-drive-saved personalities of their generation of dolls, should something happen. Something bad, unknown, has already happened to November, though maybe not the November we know. Then Caroline and Paul show up to rescue everyone.

It’s a lot to follow.

It’s also more engaging than any previous episode, even though you can see how the show can go on without ever considering this episode to be part of the continuity. Put simply: we don’t know whether this is the future, or just one possible future. And we have no idea how long it might take for us to find out (Caroline on waking in Iris’s body: “2019??“).

SPOILERS END

Things I do know: while I still have issues with the actor, Topher’s character has grown on me, and his purpose besides being resident techno-geek is becoming clear. Olivia Williams as Adelle is wondrous. I want as much Amy Acker as possible. And the bigger themes of this organization in Joss’s imagination will make for more compelling TV than the everyday minutiae. Though I will watch any amount of minutiae if it involves Victor acting suave and/or having his shirt off. Mmmmm.

I imagine people should be able to follow season two whether or not they’ve seen “Epitaph One”. But I also imagine Joss knows that the majority of his fans will seek it out before season two begins. And that’s a day to look forward to.

P.S. The DVD also contains Joss’s unaired version of the first episode of the series. I sort of think it’s a lot better than the one that actually aired. I also think I don’t know whether that opinion’s biased, since knowing what comes in the rest of the season kept me from possibly being confused while watching. Still, I implore all future people who work with Joss: just trust the guy.

It’s almost that time of year…so many horror movies to look forward to in the coming months.

1. Thirst, July 31
Chan-Wook Park made a vampire movie!! Oh it’s gonna be sooooo bloody. Can’t wait can’t wait.

2. Grace, August 14 (maybe later for us poor, unfortunate souls who don’t live in NYC or LA)
Two words: evil baby.

3. Halloween II, August 28
(Roman numerals courtesy of the filmmakers, not me. Also used in the title for original Halloween II!) Because even though Rob Zombie’s first trip down Michael Meyers lane was just aiite for me, you can’t not be excited about seeing that mask.
 
4. The Final Destination, August 28
In 3-D! Which I am still not tired of! I’ll be seeing this before the aforementioned H2. (Who decided opening those two on the same weekend was a good idea?)

5. Jennifer’s Body, September 18
Trailer is promising, very promising. Definitely feeding my insane girl crush on Amanda Seyfried. Go, Diablo, go!

6. Zombieland,  October 9
Woody Harrelson fights zombies! With Emma Stone! Who I also have a girl crush on! (last sentence = bad grammar…on whom I also have a girl crush?)

7. The Vampire’s Assistant, October 23
John C. Reilly, Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek, Patrick Fugit, Ken Watanabe, Jane Krakowski, directed by Paul Weitz…this is not gonna be your tween’s vampire movie. Just throwing out a guess that none of the vamps will sparkle.

8. The Wolf Man, November 6
Benicio del Toro, I feel like I haven’t seen you in anything in forever…please be as awesome in this as I suspect you’ll be.

Missing from my list: Saw VI. They’re just gonna keep making these, huh? Strangely, the more of them that come out, the more I sort of actually want to watch one of them. Never even saw the first one, but I do love me some ridiculous sequels…oh, a sudden urge to watch Jason Takes Manhattan…

Woo, horror film season!